WHEN DID MEADOWBROOK LANE TURN INTO 125TH STREET?
OH, MY GOSH!
THIS MUST BE THE BAD BLOCK.
THIS PLACE TURNED INTO A LIVING HELL OVERNIGHT.
WELL, LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE, HUH?
WHAT'S THIS? WHOO!
THAT'S A NICE SET OF WHEELS THERE, JERK!
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH, HOW FAST DOES IT GO ON THE OPEN ROAD?
WELL, THAT ACTUALLY, KIND OF DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH I'VE HAD TO EAT.
YOU KNOW, ONCE I HAD 2 SLOPPY JOES
AND I COULDN'T GET THE THING OFF THE KICK STAND.
HEY, YOU'RE ON SKULL TURF, KID.
KID?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU THINK I'M A KID
BECAUSE OF MY YOUTHFUL APPEARANCE,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY 30 YEARS OLD.
THAT'S RIGHT, 30.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SECRET IS?
WATER, 12 GLASSES A DAY. ORALLY.
NOW, LISTEN, KIDS, THIS IS REALLY A LOUSY NEIGHBORHOOD TO BE PLAYING IN.
WHY DON'T YOU GET BEHIND ME AND WE'LL ALL RUN OUT OF HERE SCREAMING TOGETHER.
COME ON, LET'S GO...
QUIT YOUR BLABBERIN', BEARDIE.
WAIT A SECOND.
LEATHER JACKETS, SWITCHBLADES,
BAD NICKNAMES.
WHY, YOU'RE RUFFIANS!
BIFF, LET'S BOOK.
WHERE YOU GOING, THE LIBRARY?
LET ME LEAVE YOU A LITTLE SOUVENIR
OF OUR VISIT, HUH?
WELL, SURE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE? OOH!
AW.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED ONE OF THOSE LITTLE SNOW SHAKERS
WITH THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IN THEM, BUT THANK YOU.
THANKS.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S STILL SWOLLEN!
OH, CHRIS, THAT'S NOT SWELLING. IT'S FAT.
WELL, THAT FAT MAY HAVE JUST SAVED MY LIFE.
OTHERWISE HIS FIST WOULD HAVE GONE
STRAIGHT THROUGH TO MY LIVER.
MOM, DAD,
GREENVILLE ISN'T THE GREENVILLE WE ONCE KNEW AS KIDS.
I NEVER KNEW IT AS A KID. I GREW UP IN CHICAGO.
I'M AN ARMY BRAT.
LOOK AROUND YOU,
A TOWN ONCE FULL OF HOPE AND PROMISE
THAT DREW MILLIONS TO ITS SHORES
IS... IS NOW NOTHING BUT A FILTHY,
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK, LAWLESS, BORDER TOWN
WITH CORRUPTION AS ITS MAIN EXPORT.
YOU'RE FORGETTING OUR BOOMING SHOE INDUSTRY.
TOUCHE. PLAYED THROUGH. 15-LOVE.
CHRIS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THIS IS A CUTE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WELL, YEAH, HERE, BUT 2 BLOCKS DOWN...
YOU TALKING ABOUT MEADOWBROOK LANE?
SON, YOU'D BE NUTS TO GO DOWN THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU COULD GET PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH.
I SAY IT'S TIME TO TAKE BACK THE STREETS
SO THAT INNOCENT PEOPLE CAN TAKE A WRONG TURN
AND SENIOR CITIZENS LIKE YOURSELVES
CAN SHUFFLE DOWN THE SIDEWALK
WITH YOUR WALKERS AND YOUR GOLF CARTS
AND YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS
HELD UP HIGH FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
IN MY HEART I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT MY PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING BRAIN SAYS
YOU'RE A HORSE'S ASS.
DAD, THESE ARE JUST GOOD KIDS
THAT HAVE TAKEN A WRONG TURN IN LIFE
AND GONE DOWN A... A BAD PATH.
THEY NEED SOMEBODY TO COME UP BEHIND 'EM, AND TAP 'EM ON THE SHOULDER,
AND SAY, "HEY PAL, SLOW DOWN.
"PUT ON YOUR TURN SIGNALS
"AND MAKE A LEFT UP AT THE NEXT INTERSECTION
'CAUSE I KNOW A GREAT PLACE FOR CHEESE STEAKS."
GLADYS, COULD YOU MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL
OUT OF THAT LAST CHUNK OF BABBLE?
I THINK HE'S ASKING FOR LUNCH.
NO, MA,
I'M GOING TO REHABILITATE THOSE KIDS.
CHRIS, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT REHABILITATING TROUBLED YOUTH.
IN FACT, EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER BROUGHT HOME
DIED OR RUSTED.
NOW, DAD, WASN'T IT YOU WHO ONCE SAID
I HAD KENNEDY-ESQUE LEADERSHIP QUALITIES?
NO. NO, I SAID YOU HAVE A YELLOW STREAK.
6 OF ONE, HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER.
CHRIS, I THINK IT'S A VERY SWEET GESTURE
FOR YOU TO HELP PEOPLE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOURSELF.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF YOU.
NOT AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS.
YOU CAME!
YOU ACTUALLY CAME.
OH! CLOWNIE-PUSS GOT BROKEN.
GUESS I HAVE AN EVENING OF GLUING AHEAD OF ME, HUH?
HEY, MAYBE THAT COULD BE A GROUP ACTIVITY
WE COULD ALL DO TOGETHER, HUH?
HANDS?
I TOLD YOU THIS IS THE SAME IDIOT
WE WHACKED AROUND THE OTHER DAY!
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE A VERY PERCEPTIVE YOUNG MAN, UM...
SNAKE.
WHAT YOUR PARENTS DID TO YOU...
NO WONDER YOUR SELF-ESTEEM IS LOWER THAN YOUR CHANCES
OF EVER GETTING A JOB THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE YOU WEARING A NAMETAG OR A HAIRNET.
IF THAT CLOCK WASN'T IN A CAGE, I'D SMASH IT TO BITS!
OK, EASY ACTION. COOL OFF, KID. OK.
LOOK, KIDS, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL TRAUMATIZED, EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED TEENS,
BUT I WANT TO SET YOUR MINDS AT EASE.
I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMIN' FROM, OK?
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE, TOO. OH, YES.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
I HAD A STACK OF OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOKS ABOUT THIS TALL.
OK, LET'S JUST CUT HIM.
NAH. NO, HE'S FUNNY.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE WATCHING SOME WINO GEEK GET HIT BY A CAR.
KIDS, COME ON. I KNOW HOW YOU LIVE,
I... I KNOW WHAT YOU DO. WHERE... WHERE WERE YOU?
PROBABLY DOWN AT THE LAZY IGUANA,
DANCING THE MASHED POTATO AND SHOOTIN' THE CURL?
SEE, I'M HIP, I'M WITH IT!
SO WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT TO DO NOW, UH, PRESS A HAM?
AH, YOU'RE RIGHT, LET'S CUT HIM.
NO!
I THINK HE'S KIND OF CUTE.
WELL, I THINK SOMEBODY JUST SIGNED UP FOR TEACHER'S PET.
NOW, I'VE GOT, UH, CANAPES
AND, UH, I'VE GOT FLUFFERNUTTER TOO, BUT... BUT I HAVE NO BEVERAGES.
I'M SORRY, KIDS, THAT'S SOMETHING CALLED "TOUGH LOVE."
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BEG, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SAY,
"NO BEVERAGES."
HEY, BEARDIE.
WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT WHEN WE WANT IT.
GOT THAT, BEARDIE?
YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY EASY
TO PICK UP ON SOMEBODY'S PHYSICAL DEFECT
AND MAKE UP A CRUEL NICKNAME FOR THEM,
MR. STRONG-JAWED- VERY-ATTRACTIVE- JAMES-DEAN-TYPE.
THERE, SEE, I CAN ZING WITH THE BEST OF 'EM.
KIDS, COME ON, LET'S GET IN A SEMICIRCLE,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE BULL SESSION. COME ON.
JUST PULL THE CHAIRS AROUND,
THAT'S IT, RIGHT AROUND LIKE THAT.
YOU'LL FIND SOME ROOM.
OK, WHY DON'T WE START BY GOING AROUND THE ROOM AND INTRODUCING OURSELVES.
I'M CHRIS.
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A CHRIS.
NO, REALLY?
YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!
YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE REALLY LASHING OUT AT YOUR FATHER,
THAT WOULD HAVE BROUGHT ME TO TEARS.
COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE GUTS TO GO FIRST?
COME ON, JUST RAP.
POUR ME A GLASS OF YOUR THOUGHTS. COME ON.
YEAH,
THE YOUNG BOY IN THE LEATHER JACKET.
WHAT STINKS IN HERE?
WELL, UH, ACTUALLY, I GET A LOT OF MOISTURE THIS TIME OF YEAR.
BUT, UH, GOOD QUESTION, THANKS.
ANYBODY ELSE?
YES, THE YOUNG LADY IN THE PROVOCATIVE SWEATER.
WHY YOU STILL A PAPERBOY?
ALL RIGHT, OK,
YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT ME?
FINE, I'LL PLAY, I'LL GO FIRST.
LET'S SEE, ALL RIGHT, WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING.
SOMETHING I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF.
IT TOOK ME 10 YEARS
BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO SHOWER IN THE NUDE.
BECAUSE I WAS SURE THAT, YOU KNOW THAT THING
WHERE THE... WHERE THE WATER COMES OUT OF,
THAT THERE WAS AN EYE IN THERE WATCHING ME.
SORRY.
OH, BOY,
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER TO GET THAT OUT.
OK, ALL RIGHT, WHO HAS THE GUTS TO GO NEXT?
OK, FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT, MY PARENTS, YOU KNOW,
THEY JUST KEEP CUTTIN' ME DOWN.
THAT'S A TOUGHY.
I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER.
UH, ANYBODY ELSE?
YEAH.
I GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL LAST WEEK
AND I AIN'T GOT THE GUTS TO TELL MY OLD MAN.
MMM. THAT'S ROUGH.
I'M A BLANK. SORRY.
A-ANYBODY ELSE? HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
COME ON.
I FEEL LIKE AN OUTSIDER.
THAT'S WHY I ACT TOUGH AND PRETEND LIKE I DON'T CARE.
OK, I CAN SEE THIS IS GOING NOWHERE.
LET'S, UH, LET'S TRY SOME ROLE PLAYING, MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED, I NEED A VOLUNTEER UP HERE.
WHO CAN I GET? SNAKE, GREAT COME ON UP.
COME ON UP.
SNAKE, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS, I'M GONNA PLAY YOUR DADDY, OK?
AND YOU JUST REACT TO ME LIKE YOU WOULD YOUR OWN DADDY, OK?
LET'S TRY THIS. THIS IS GONNA WORK FINE, HERE WE GO.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I'M YOUR DADDY.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I WORK FOR A LIVING.
BOY, OUT OF MY WAY. WHERE ARE MY SLIPPERS?
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I'M YOUR DADDY.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE'S TALKIN' ABOUT?
MAYBE THIS WOULD WORK BETTER IF I TRIED PLAYING YOUR MOMMY.
LET'S TRY IT THAT WAY, OK? COME ON, LET'S TRY IT, SNAKE.
GIVE IT A SHOT, FOR ONCE. COME ON.
COME ON.
HEY, WHY YOU ALWAYS GETTING DOWN ON ME AND MY FRIENDS?
COME ON IN, SNAKE. MOMMY'S JUST PUTTING ON HER PANTY HOSE.
MOM, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PUTTING DOWN ME AND MY FRIENDS?
SNAKE, WOULD YOU BE A LOVE AND ZIP MOMMY UP?
THIS SUCKS!
THAT'S GREAT.
OH, THAT'S GOOD, YOU'RE GETTING SOME REAL EMOTIONS OUT.
I THINK THERE WAS A LITTLE PROGRESS MADE HERE TODAY.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT SUCH A TOUGH GUY AFTER ALL, ARE WE?
OK, MR. BAZOOKA JOE.
JUST FOR THAT, YOU DON'T GET THIS BACK
TILL THE END OF THE DAY.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THAT CONCLUDES THE AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PART OF OUR PROGRAM.
AND NOW, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL A FIELD TRIP.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE TO... TO BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS,
AND TEACH YOU SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE... THE PINNACLE OF MODERN DAY CULTURE.
WHERE ARE WE GOIN'?
I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT A SUPERMARKET?
BOY. WELL,
WE HAD A QUITE A DAY, DIDN'T WE?
YOU KIDS HAVE BEEN THROUGH
SOME MAJOR PERSONALITY CHANGES TODAY.
FROM YOUNG RUFFIANS TO LITTLE LADIES,
AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? GOING TO THAT SUPERMARKET,
I KIND OF WORKED UP AN APPETITE.
I BET YOU GUYS DID, TOO.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GOING TO TREAT YOU ALL TO A WHOLESOME SNACK
OF COHO SALMON.
OH, MY.
OK, WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF A LITTLE GREEN ON THEIR FOOD, HUH?
OK, WELL, I THINK I MADE A DENT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS, DEAR?
I DON'T KNOW, MA.
ALL I HAVE TO GO ON IS MY EXPERIENCE
AND ABOUT 120 EPISODES OF ROOM 222.
YOU THINK YOU COULD TALK AFTER YOU UNTIE US?
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, MY. OK.
ARE YOU SURE IT WAS MY KIDS THAT DID THIS?
YES, LEATHER JACKETS, SWITCHBLADES.
BAD NICKNAMES.
FEELS LIKE AN OUTSIDER, ACTS TOUGH,
AND PRETENDS HE DOESN'T CARE.
WOW, SNAKE OPENED UP TO YOU.
HEY, HEY, THIS HAS BEEN A BREAKTHROUGH DAY.
CHRIS, WE'VE BEEN ROBBED.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, DAD.
LET'S JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS, SHALL WE?
YOU KNOW, THIS COULD ALL BE JUST A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING.
YEAH. I GUESS WHEN I SAID, "YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS,"
THEY THOUGHT I SAID,
"TAKE ALL OUR VALUABLES AND TIE US TO A CHAIR."
HEY, WAIT.
MAYBE WE'RE OVERLOOKING THE OBVIOUS.
MAYBE MY KIDS WERE JUST PRACTICING SOME MAGIC.
THEY CERTAINLY MADE SOME OF THE APPLIANCES DISAPPEAR.
OH, RIGHT, DAD.
THE KIDS ARE ALWAYS WRONG, AREN'T THEY?
US ADULTS, THOUGH, WE'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.
OH, YEAH. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A FEDERAL DEFICIT IN THIS COUNTRY
OF SOME $200,000.
OH, BUT LET'S NOT LISTEN TO THE KIDS,
THEIR IDEAS ARE WAY TOO FAR OUT,
US ADULTS, WE'RE ALWAYS PERFECT.
I THINK SOME OF US HAVE A LITTLE GROWING UP TO DO
IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING SO.
OK, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FUDGESICLES?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THOSE WERE THE FIRST TO GO.
WHY, THOSE SNOT-NOSED BASTARDS!
NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR!
I SWEAR,
ON THE GRAVES OF MY PARENTS...
ON THE LIVES OF MY PARENTS
THAT I SHALL AVENGE THIS HEINOUS ACT,
OR DIE TRYING.
TO THE LAST BREATH IN MY BODY
AS LONG AS THE SUN RISES IN THE SOUTH
AND SETS IN THE NORTH POLE, WHERE SANTA LIVES.
CHRIS.
CHRIS!
WHAT?
WILL YOU JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE?
THEY'RE CLOSE. THEY'RE VERY CLOSE.
HEY, PETERSON!
YOU MADE YOUR LAST MISTAKE THIS TIME, BEARDIE.
WHAT YOU GOT, A DEATH WISH BRINGIN' YOUR WHITE BOTTOM
AROUND OUR TERRITORY?
NO, YOU MADE THE MISTAKE.
Y-YOU CROSSED THE LINE WHEN YOU STOLE THINGS FROM MY PARENTS.
THINGS WITH PERFECTLY GOOD WARRANTIES, WHICH, BY THE WAY, I HAVE.
AND THAT MEANS THAT IF ANYTHING BREAKS DOWN,
YOU MY FRIENDS ARE UP A CREEK WITHOUT A PICK AXE,
I MEAN, A SHOVEL.
AND SO, AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU ARE STUCK
FOR FULL RETAIL COST OF REPAIRS
WHICH IS PROBABLY UPWARDS OF $40 AN HOUR.
SO, I GUESS WE WEREN'T SO SMART AFTER ALL, WERE WE?
OK, LET'S JUST KILL HIM.
YOU REEK OF FUDGESICLES.
PREPARE TO DIE, BEARDIE!
OK, NATALIE, NOW IT'S TIME TO STOP THEM
WITH THAT "HE'S KIND OF CUTE" LINE. GO AHEAD.
HE'S A DORK.
DISMEMBER HIM FOR ME, WILL YOU?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S KILL HIM NOW WHILE WE'VE GOT THE MUSCLE.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN CHOP ME UP INTO A THOUSAND PIECES
AND BURY ME IN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD, IF YOU WANT.
OR YOU CAN TAKE THE CHRIS PETERSON CHALLENGE.
HE'S TALKING CRAZY, BIFF. HEY, SHUT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN', BEARDIE?
I'M SAYIN' THAT IF I CAN PASS
YOUR STUPID LITTLE OBLIGATORY PEER PRESSURE
BABY INITIATION INTO YOUR GANG,
THEN YOU GIVE ME BACK ALL MY STUFF AND LET ME GO.
OK, YOU'RE ON.
BIFF!
AND, IF I WIN,
Y-YOU BECOME RESPONSIBLE CONTRIBUTORS TO THE SOCIETY.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
A-AND LOOK UP TO ME AS A ROLE MODEL
AND LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAY.
OH, OF COURSE, FINE. YEAH.
AND CHANGE THE NAME OF YOUR GANG TO "THE PETERSON PIXIES."
OK, I WENT A LITTLE FAR WITH THAT ONE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
NOW, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR LITTLE SILLY INITIATION,
WEAR MY CLOTHES INSIDE OUT OR PUT ON A STUPID BEANIE OR SOMETHING?
WALNUTS.
THAT WAS TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.
I FIGURE IF YOU GUYS COULD DO IT, I COULD.
WE DIDN'T EXACTLY DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
ACTUALLY, WE DON'T REALLY HAVE AN INITIATION!
WE MADE IT UP AS WE WENT ALONG.
YOU SEE THAT STUFF IS WAY TOO DANGEROUS
FOR US TO BE DOING.
WHY, YOU LYING LITTLE... SCAMPS!
WE HAD A DEAL!
OH, YEAH, YEAH, AND WE'RE KEEPIN' IT.
Y-YOU SEE, WE... WE FIGURED THAT ANY GUY
THAT IS PSYCHO ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT,
WELL, YOU COULD EASILY COME GUNNING FOR US WITH A CHAIN SAW
AND A HOCKEY MASK.
YEAH. WE'LL LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU SAY.
SO, UM,
GIVE US SOME ADVICE.
ADVICE?
I'M KIND OF ON THE SPOT NOW, AREN'T I?
I HAVEN'T REALLY GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT.
I... I JUST FIGURED I'D DIE
WHEN I SET MYSELF ON FIRE.
I KNOW. ME, TOO.
BOY, SO I'M REALLY YOUR HERO, HUH?
AND YOU'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAY? YEAH.
WOW.
WHY, THAT'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
WELL, HERE'S HOW I'D GO ABOUT IT.
THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO...
IT WAS A NEW EXPERIENCE
DRIVING DOWN MEADOWBROOK LANE.
WHAT WAS ONCE A SEEDY, DILAPIDATED, DECREPIT STREET
INHABITED BY HORRIBLE RUFFIANS,
HOOLIGANS AND NE'ER DO WELLS,
HAD NOW TRANSFORMED INTO A SEEDY, DILAPIDATED,
DECREPIT STREET INHABITED BY
WELL-BEHAVED, WELL-GROOMED, PLEASANT SMELLING
YOUNG LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THOSE WHO USED TO BULLY AND TORTURE OTHERS
ARE NOW BULLIED AND TORTURED BY OTHERS
THE WAY GOD INTENDED.
SOME CYNICS MIGHT SUGGEST
I'VE CREATED MY OWN MASTER RACE.
MY ANSWER TO THAT IS, "SO WHAT IF I HAVE?"
GOOD NIGHT, DRESS WARM,
AND GOD BLESS.